The Beat Girl Comics Attic

Le Freak - C'est Chic

2006-03-13T10:54:00.000-08:00

This is something I wrote and drew quite some time ago with the kind permission of 2000ad, and have been dragging along to conventions and signings ever since. Anyway, it was recently reviewed by Andy Luke of Livejournal fame, who didn't think much of it at all. Anyway, I figure a man like Andy Luke of Livejournal fame must know what he's talking about better than I do so I hereby bequeath this comic to the wilds of the internet, to be read free of charge! See if you think Andy Luke of Livejournal fame was on target when he said this 'really should have stayed unseen and preferably non existent'. You can't dis-invent the atomic bomb, Andy Luke of Livejournal fame! And you can't dis-invent...

And We're Back

2006-02-25T14:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I've finally gotten around to ditching the Image Hosting, who are evidently a bunch of rank amateurs, and rehosting all my stuff with Photobucket. Which means we're back in action.

To celebrate, and reward the patience of anyone who feels like coming back, I'm delivering the rest of Beatniks-A-Go-Go and also this bonus strip - a sequel to 'Not For Men To Tell' that's only available online!

The Cultural Hulk Must Once More Stalk The Earth

2006-02-25T14:11:00.000-08:00

This Time I Ain't Crossin' No International Date Lines

2006-02-25T13:53:00.000-08:00

My Chum In Crime - The Ground

2006-02-25T13:50:00.000-08:00

Your Screams Of Pure Terror Will Echo Like Some Ghastly Funeral Bell

2006-02-25T13:42:00.000-08:00

Perhaps It Will 'Motiv-8' You To Learn

2005-09-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

It Was All A Dream Again - And I'm Jack The Ripper

2005-02-06T14:20:00.000-08:00

The resolution of Freaky Trigger's recent server problems mean The Ultimate Future Shock is here to stay! Coming soon, tacky merchandise!!

You Got Nothing To Lose But The Chains In Your Heart And The Clothes On Your Back

2005-01-31T15:41:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I announce the official opening of THE BEAT GIRL STORE.

It's already packed full of two mugs, a mousemat and - perhaps the proudest achievement of my life, in or out of comics - THE OFFICIAL DESTRUCTIVORE THONG.

Interview With The Creature

2005-01-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

Well, at long last my interview is up at 2000AD Review! I'm sure everyone will enjoy reading the fascinating truths therein.

Tuned In To The Love Frequency

2004-10-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

Hairstyles Don't Just Run Amok

2004-10-19T03:08:00.000-07:00

You Two-Bit Goebbels

2004-10-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

Splut! (And Other Stories)

2004-10-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

Lor Luv A Kipper

2004-10-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

Shut Face, Rubbish Man (And Other Stories)

2004-10-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

Dig That Downer, Daddy-O

2004-10-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

Here we see a few pages of my hem-hem self-published effort BEATNIKS-A-GO-GO - described as 'wordy and inconsequential' by some of the giants of the small press field. Starting with the cover:

Go Nukes Go

2004-09-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

This one's a good ten years old, so it's little dated now. Or is it? OR... IS IT??

I Didn't Think You'd Stoop This Low

2004-09-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

Let The War Arrow Fly

2004-09-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

Words fail me.

The Man Who Created Sergeant Gritt

2004-09-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

It's been quite some time, I know, so here's a special treat. It's a little-known fact that the Sergeant Gritt stories I've been reprinting for you were by and large the work of one man - one of the giants of the comics field, reknowned legend Rip Karnage. I recently found a copy of Fantasy Inquest from late 1982 containing an interview with this oft-forgotten creator and have taken the time to reprint it here for your attention. Enjoy!

How did you start work at Mighty Comics?

I was the horse. Mighty Comics were a winged pegasus, and I wanted to fly. At that point I was willing to have horse ride horse, which is silly when I look back because my hooves couldn't hold the reins. I feel better now I have more control over my horse - my work, that I ride into a golden sunset.

Oh. Of course.

I have wings now, which is nice because I don't think I'm a horse any more. More of a centaur.

I see... If I can change the subject, you've written a lot of controversial stories in your time - "War's no place for an ethnic minority", "Mighty Cat versus Mighty Dog" and of course, "War's no place for a rodent". What made you want to write such powerful works?

I don't remember any of these. They sound terrible.

Well...

What's that rodent one? Has it got rats in it? If a freelancer brings me rats in a story it's a sign of lazy writing. He can't be bothered to have his hero savaged by interesting animals, like stoats or wild ferrets. If I see a rat in a script I tear it up. This guy Harvey Kurtzman came to do some work on our WAR AND GORE book...

That's the one with 'Mickey And His Magic Mortar'.

Right, the anthology book. He sent me this script once, and it had a rat in it, like, off on the side of the page. It was set in the trenches. And I called him into my office and attacked him with a knife. (laughter) He needed about seven, eight stitches.

Oh my god. What happened?

Basically, he agreed to replace it with a tiger, and everybody was happy. I let people have one chance.

I don't remember Kurtzman working for WAR AND GORE...

No, the story never came to anything. In fact he ran out of my office and moved to another state, which is sad because an attitude like that is a very lazy attitude to take, especially when you're talking deadlines.

To get back to the earlier question about "War's No Place For A Rodent"...

What was it about?

It's the one where Sergeant Gritt thinks he's rescued a hamster from a minefield...

But it's a rat.

Yeah, that's the one.

Doesn't mean a thing to me. No, wait. I remember the first page. I got Sal [Salowski] to draw Gritt in the jaws of a giant rat, and its eyes were little swastikas. Sal was the fire in Gritt, he was the flame - but I was the ice. (laughter)

Ha ha ha ha... Would you say that Gritt's character mirrors your own?

To say 'mirror', that's saying that when I raise my right hand, Gritt raises his left. That's a fallacy - but a truthful one. Gritt is not the writer in me. The writer in me is not the reader in me. And the reader in me is not the warrior in Gritt. Or vice versa. It's ground rules like that which keep him young and strong. I think he had a twin brother at one point...

In the story "War's No Place For A Twin Brother".

Right.

Gritt shoots him.

Right, right. Adolf Gritt. In my head, that was there from day one. Gritt was born in my head, and aged, and his mother produced another son, and in a way I was the father. But I wasn't Gritt's father - that was something else inside me. My soul, maybe. So it was only natural to have my true son killed. Horribly. I remember the ending to that very well, with Gritt standing over the body and crying... or laughing. I forget which.

Actually, that was the ending to "The Screaming Skulls Of Slaughter Company"...

I'm just singing in the rain. (hearty chuckle)

Hmmm. What was your relationship with Sal Salowski?

I once asked Sal to draw Gritt killing a ratzi. He drew it - no question. Then he said to me: "What now?" That's our relationship - "What now?" Always striving, from a creative point of view, to say "What now", to see what could happen now, in this moment - now. And it's a kind of buzz to know that we live in the now.

Yes. Did you get any input from him on a story?

You don't put a general on a boat. I'm the Admiral, I'm sailing the ship, and Sal's on the front line, staring Gritt in the face. But my ship's on the front line too, facing the tanks with Slaughter. And we're carrying different backpacks but we wear the same uniform.

So that's a 'yes'?

No. He drew what I told him to. But his work was really great - lots of lines.

Didn't he once do the script for an issue?

That was a mistake on my part, I think. I let him do the script for an issue...

"Angels Are Weeping", in War Is Hell #103. It won an Eisner, didn't it?

It was atrocious. He's got this bit where Gritt's in a church, and he makes a long speech...

"Sometimes, padre, I feel like a man walking a tightrope... a tightrope that leads -"

Yeah, a big speech about a tightrope.

"- over a chasm of evil and suffering. How can I justify -"

Anyway, he makes this speech about a tightrope...

"- all the wrong I do? The killing? The pain and suffering I cause by my actions? Is one country so just that it can force a man to kill and then save his soul?"

This big speech about a tightrope...

That's Roy Thomas's favourite moment in comics.

Gritt makes this big speech about a tightrope. But that's not something he'd say! 'Cause he's never been to a circus. I have extensive notes on the character in my attic, and they say that he never went to a circus. So his brain wouldn't have been able to make that analogy.

Really?

Sergeant Gritt has never been to a circus. He's never been to the theatre. I don't think he's been to opera or ballet either. Or the zoo. He never went to college or even high school. He doesn't know how to use a knife and fork - he bites his food, like a ravenous beast. He was born in an institution. He's clinically insane. He can't read. He's certainly never read a book...

Apart from Baudelaire.

Oh yeah. I forgot. Anyway, the man's a psychopath. If he ever comes near my house, I'm going to kill him. You tell him that. I'll break his goddamned throat open.

Oh. Er... You've created a lot of other enduring characters during your time at Mighty... you were the man behind Squealer the Mighty Moggy?

I'm really suprised that they brought her back! (laughter) That story was originally an attack on racism...

"Mighty Cat versus Mighty Dog"...

...where the cat was black, and 'cause Barko the Mighty Mutt is a little white dog, that was setting up racial tension.

Yeah, and at the end they both get together and form the Mightimal Squad... it was an incredibly brave way of tackling the subject - very controversial, especially at the end of the seventies. How do you create characters like that?

Creating is like breathing. I have to create constantly, or die, but it's become natural for me. I write constantly.

You're writing now?

Constantly. All the time. When I breathe, I write! It's that simple - and that complicated. (laughter)

What are you writing right now? (pause) Rip?

(long pause) Well, it isn't something I can turn on and off.

You said when you breathe, you write... did you mean...

I can hold my breath. For almost two minutes. That's two minutes without writing, which is something I can do. And Batman can hold his breath for almost five minutes. How long has this interview been going?

I don't know.

Superman can hold his breath infinitely. I'm not claiming I'm the Superman of writers... (chuckle) but that's what it's all about. Putting your cape on and holding your breath. I mean, when you're under the waters of the business, taking a creative breath could kill you, because all of that water could rush into your lungs. I saw a man drown in Vietnam, and that's something I wouldn't like to do, even metaphorically.

Ah yes, your time in Vietnam. Your commanding officer must have -

Can we change the subject?

Well, I've got a whole lot of questions here -

I don't like talking about my Lieutenant, or his unfortunate death. It's true that he was a hard taskmaster... some might say extreme... but he was fair and I try to live up to his memory in my stories.

Like "War's No Place For A Fragging?"

No, not that one. I was thinking more of... ah... "Heroic Commanding Officer"... in OUR GLORY HOUNDS #254.

Wait... O.G.H. #254 was "Fifteen Men Or One Scumbag?" which as I remember -

Or #264. It could very well have been #264.

Oh yes - O.G.H. #264... "I Shot My Lieutenant On Heartbreak Ridge". That was a very powerful story about hard choices. Did you get any flak over that one?

(pause) Change the subject.

Um. Sure. You've done a lot of epic stories in your time.

Not all stories need to be epics. I remember a story I wrote for TOUGH TANK. It was five issues long, but in real time it was five seconds! So it was one second per issue, and I was covering a very tiny space - the inside of the tank.

That was "War's No Place For A Stopwatch", right? TOUGH TANK #203-207.

Right! At the time, Sal said to me "This isn't gonna work". He said he'd draw it anyway, but it wasn't gonna work. And, of course, it worked beautifully!

Well, to be fair, those were the lowest selling issues in comics history...

Oh, sure, sure. Sales are sales. But from an artistic standpoint, it worked! Sales are like a barometer - they don't tell time.

That was when Sal stopped working with you.

He had to go. The comic just wasn't shifting any more. I don't think there were any acrimonious feelings involved.

He described you in the COMICS QUARTERLY as 'a shit'...

That's how we communicated. (chuckles) We kept a friendly silence. Like two old friends in a room - we didn't need to open our mouths to talk. We just had to open our hearts. (laughter)

Given his eventual suicide, do you feel you did the right thing in firing him without benefits?

Hell yes. If a plane's in a nosedive toward enemy territory, then somebody's got to pull that sucker out, even if it's only the janitor. If there's a janitor on a B-52, it's his duty to attack the pilot with his mop. And my mop is my work. And if there's some scuzzball sending fifteen men into the jungle to die, it's my duty to take that mop and bludgeon him to death with it in a lonely corner of the latrine... I mean, the latrine on the plane.

Mmmm. Finally, how does it feel to have influenced a generation of writers?

Bad. It's a sign that lazy writers think I'm a soft touch - like Alan Moore, ripping off "War's no place for a Small Killing". I think that's just bad writing. You don't eat with someone else's fork.

Rip Karnage, thank you.

(c) Fantasy Inquest magazine 1982

You Went And Crossed The Line

2004-09-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

Belt Up, You Dirty Red Traitor

2004-09-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

In Thet Present Ain't No Noo Dentures

2004-09-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

A Superhero For The Eighties

2004-09-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

The Tournament Of Destruction

2004-09-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

Holy Antlers

2004-09-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

The archives are starting to run a little dry, with several classics such as the revenge of W.A.R.Force seemingly lost forever, with only about three people having ever seen it. I'll be hunting night and day to dig up these lost treasures, but in the meantime here's something that didn't even make the cut for that tiny audience! For some bizarre reason this incredible plot remains UNFINISHED - but WHY? Maybe because even my alliteration-adoring amygdala could not imagine a titanic title terrific enough for this happening hyper-epic or maybe because THAT'S NOT A GNU. It seems to be some kind of hideously deformed moose.

Anyway, I'll be testing the loyalty of my readers by inviting you all to suggest a title for this masterpiece!

The Scientific Community Were Apalled

2004-08-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

Beastly Eastie

2004-08-31T15:51:00.000-07:00

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Drop The Bomb At Half Past Two

2004-08-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

Tushery, Fie Fo And Whist Ye

2004-08-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

There Definitely May Be A Fight

2004-08-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

OK Boys Here's The Real Lesson

2004-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Men Called Him Grot-Karr

2004-08-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

Have I Tripped Into Some Kinda Nightmare Scene?

2004-08-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Another one co-created by Tom Ewing.

The Winged Flyer Versus The Saddo Thief

2004-08-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

Saddo Thief dialogue provided by Tom Ewing of Freaky Trigger fame.

Let Me See That Screen, You Pathetic Grub

2004-08-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

That Prospect Would Be Horrific Indeed, If It Were True

2004-08-05T15:11:00.001-07:00

Happenstance? I Think... Not

2004-08-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

I Don't Care About Your Silly Tests

2004-08-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Choke! It's Predicted Doom - For Me

2004-08-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

Anal Germs

2004-08-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

By popular demand:

Now To Detonate Weapon Adolf

2004-07-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

Et's Like Some Injun Curse Come To Life

2004-07-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

One from the mists of time...

Later For The Grief Thing, LBJ-Baby

2004-07-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

The first page of an old six-page Sergeant Gritt story. I cannibalised a lot of the gags on the other pages for The Destructivore in Solar Wind #4, but this remains one of my favourite pages ever...

The Orphans Under My heh heh Care

2004-07-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hey, Anyody Remember The Strokes?

2004-07-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

Back when The Strokes were in, I did this bit of webmusojournalism - Script and Art by myself and whoever did the album cover to 'Tarkus', opinions by The Edinburgh Review's Alex Thomson.

A Pity You Did Not Recognise The Taste Of Human Flesh

2004-07-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

Noooooooooooooo

2004-07-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

You'll Find That Merely "Warning Power"

2004-07-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

Does Man Have A Trunk? No

2004-07-10T16:54:00.000-07:00